Death to the Milkman (See That He Dies Tonight)

(for Andrew Harrison)

Death to the milkman

See that he dies tonight

Or tomorrow would do

 

That dairy devil must go down

He should have done his loving

on the other side of town

 

Once we were so happy

Until that fateful morning

I awoke to the electric whirring

 

of his float coming down our cul-de-sac

He had a suit made from gold-top bottle tops

And wore a sleek peaked cap

 

"A little extra for the weekend?"

The blighter would ask,

winking lasciviously at me trouble

 

She was just as bad

Her eyes seemed to feast on 'is Aris

as he took away the empties

 

I grew uneasy, suspicious

Was that a love bite on her Gregory?

I developed lactose intolerance

 

I sat naked in the front porch

surrounded by an army of Longley Farm yogurts

and waited to taunt him through the frosted glass

 

I heard him clink-clinking up the driveway

I started to dance like Tales of the Unexpected

Excited by the blurry outline of my gyrating form

He threw open the door, gasped "Quelle horreur!

Whatcha trying to do?

Make me look like some sort of double yolker?"

I held him to my breast and started to polka

He said he admired my almighty galls

Then swiftly kicked me in the Henry Halls

 

Death to the milkman

See that he dies tonight

Tomorrow at the latest

 

B.R. 20/05/2013