Borderline

On my good days
I am a colossus
And on my night
I am a shining beacon

On my bad days
I am a colossal
Pain in the bottom
And a whining deacon

On my best days:
I am a legend in my very own lunch hour
Orson Welles at the height of his powers
Alfred Hitchcock or Andrei Tarkovsky
I'm Paul Robinson to your Mr Udagawa

I step high, wide and plentiful down Carlton Lanes
I'm Sid, Henry, Jesse and M.R. James
All rolled into one, a big barrel of fun
I'm Carl Lewis at the Olympic Games

I'm bright as Sirius, deep as the Grand Canyon
I'm Porthos, Athos, Aramis and D'Artagnan
Next to me is where the chicks want to be
I'm Catherine the Great's favourite stallion

On my worst days:
I am that mad bad fellow, Mr Ross
A composite of Creepozoid and Calibos
Low down as a young man's low-slung trouser
Lower than the guy who played bass in Bros

A slouching, skulking hydrochloric shaved weird
A prick that must be kicked, heckled and jeered
I wish he'd go away or at least stay home all day
How dare he go anywhere with that beard?

I'd talk to myself but I'm such a crashing bore
I'm Dick Dastardly and the Hooded Claw
Seeking refuge in a seedy discotheque
"Hey - Look at that Morlock on the dance floor!"

Who are you my love?
You're you, simply you
Unadorned but never plain
Blessed with great beauty
And a Jeeves-like brain
Radiant and incandescent
You are nobody but you
On sunny days and in stormy weather
You sail on through
Every day is a good day
When I am with vous

B.R. 10/05/2013

"I'LL GET YOU, PENELOPE PITSTOP!"

The Hooded Claw (aka Sylvester Sneekly) weighs up the merits of a less elaborate way of killing Penny, possibly involving the Bully Brothers and a "shooter".