Titchmarsh

Poor Lord Freer lost his legs in the war
At The Battle of Burton upon Trent.*
Sadly for Charles and all who knew him,
Lady F's passion was far from spent.
That comely woman's mind grew more and more crude
As his lordship's "downstairs" fell into desuetude.

Something about the head gardener
Started to catch her ladyship's eye.
Disguised as a tree, she followed him around
The estate, from ice house to pigsty.
She found him as sexy as Blake's 7's Paul Darrow.
Oh! How she longed to be his wheelbarrow!

Then one day she could stand it no longer -
She laid in wait for him in his shed.
He was surprised but pleased to look down on
Her ladyship in her improvised bed.

The blood of a thousand Titchmarshes coursed through his veins.
The Lighthouse Family's 'Lifted' rung in his ears.

"Beauty must unveil!" he cried lustily
As milady's bosoms heaved bustily.
He threw in the towel.
He threw down his trowel.
The shed steamed up somewhat fustily.
He was glad he'd had three shredded wheats.
He tore off his boots with an insane howl
And joined her between saffron sheets.

B.R. 01/02/2013

Paul Darrow as Alan Titchmarsh

*Historical note:
According to contemporary eyewitness reports, Lord Freer put his legs down for a second in order to light a cigarette and when he turned around they had gone...