Space Cadet

You'll never see me in Star Trek.
I'm never mentioned in the Captain's log.
I was the king of the Starfleet Academy.
Where the hell did it all go wrong?
(I boldly went from bad to worse.)

My card was marked from that first day.
As a favour to my new friend Scotty
I watched the engine while he nipped out for a pie.
All was calm so I filled my pipe
(With some dilithium crystals).

They told me I had a problem.
Old Dr McCoy became my mentor.
That man put the Stella* into interstellar.
I felt sorry for Nurse Chapel.
(She had to put us both to bed.)

We were sliding from side to side
On the bridge of the starship Enterprise.
Growing tired, I looked for something to hold on to
And grabbed at Uhura's bottom.
(You should have seen Captain Kirk's face!)

Good God, Spock was human again
And loving it as much as the women
Who hung around him like groupies in the tall trees.
He kissed them all and sang rude songs.
(To hell with the "five-year mission".)
It was too much for some to bear.
The rest of the crew were threatening to
Stick his sweet Vulcan lute right up his patootie.
I'd slipped an E in his peach juice.
(You can be too happy, it seems.)

Now I'm confined to my quarters,
Waiting for the date of my court-martial.
In my dreams, they make me don a red uniform
And transport me down to my doom.
Expendable phaser fodder.

B.R. 06/02/2013

A dead "redshirt", Lt. Leslie (Eddie Paskey), in the Star Trek episode "Obsession" (1967)

 

*Stella Artois lager aka "Wife Beater"