Problem Page (with guest agony uncle Emperor Ming the Merciless)

Dear Emperor Ming,
Everyone makes fun of my big ears. They call me things like "Dumbo", "FA Cup" and, most distressing of all, "Dr Hans Zarkov, formerly of NASA". What should I do?
Yours sincearly,
Dr Hans That Do Dishes Can Be Soft As Thy Face (formerly of NASA)

Emperor Ming replies:
Dear Hans,
Surgery to have thine ears pinned back can be very expensive and besides, are your ears really that big? I would advise you to invest in a fashionable hat - but nothing Chavvy mind! Burberry caps BLOW! All the best,
M the M

The Mightus of Klytus

Your Majesty & Ruler of the Universe,
My teenage fox's behaviour has become very bad recently. He used to be so pleasant and friendly to everyone. Now he just lies about in his hole all day eating crisps and listening to drum 'n' bass. It drives the Weasels next door up the wall! What can I do?
Yours,
Ms Emilia Fox

Emperor Ming replies:
Dear Ms Fox,
I sympathise, I really do! What a vulpine swine! Don't worry, all young reynards go through this phase. You could try blowing a hunting horn outside his bedroom door! It worked for my sulky little vixen when she took to laying in bed stinking till noon, listening to Acid Jazz! Honestly, no-one in Mingo City had ever smelt anything like it. Good luck!
M the M

Ding Dong... it's Princess Aura :-@

Dear Mong,
Does the lamppost slowly turning
In the window that's concerning
Re-evaluation for the sake of man,
Carry news of broken weather
Which reveals the shallow gesture
Of ovations carved from mountains made of sand?
Yours &c.
Michael Nesmith

Emperor Ming replies:
No.

p.s. My name is NOT MONG, pathetic Earthling. Honestly, I resist my natural urges to be thoroughly evil, sadistic and cruel to bring you puny mortals my unique brand of intergalactic wisdom and advice and what do I get in return? Stupid questions and hurtful abuse. Well, I've had enough. You are going to regret the day you crossed swords with Ming the Merciless. STAY EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE!

* Ming boards war rocket Ajax and sets co-ordinates for Planet Earth. Uh-oh.*

B.R. 18/05/2012

(See also Clinically Lovely (The Tom Yum Goong of Your Love) for more Ming-related merriment)