Stalking Woman Blues

"Behind every great man there is a great woman. Lurking..."

Julian Brown

I knew I'd made the grade

As a Z-list celeb

That day I got my first stalker.

My name could now be said

In the same hallowed breath

As Paul Danan and Sir Roy Walker.

At first I enjoyed the attention

And gave her a wave and a smile

But a man whose wheelie bin's been pillaged

Is apt to feel used and defiled.

I'd hear her rustling in the bushes

While walking my whippet round the red rec.

I'd see her shadow running from itself

And feel her eyes on the back of my neck.

I bent to pick up a fifty pence piece

Then THWOCK!!!... unimaginable hell was released.

I woke up in a dungeon

Surrounded by pictures of myself

(Mostly looking confused at a petrol station).

The nightly whipping sessions

Soon compromised my health

(There seemed no end to the flagellation).

From 9PM till six in the morning.

I'd pray for death with each new day dawning.

I feared the cavalry would never come.

The flutes of summer became bassoons of autumn.

But come they did as the first snow was on the ground

And my captor surrendered with nary a sound.

Like at the end of Scooby Doo, they exposed her,

Unmasked my she-devil to give me closure...

It did not work. I close my eyes and she's still there.

I never suspected her. Not in my nightmares.

B.R. 29/04/2012

It was reported on 22 November 2007 that Paul Danan had been sacked from his forthcoming role as Jack in Jack and the Beanstalk at the Charter Theatre, Preston. This follows an incident where he had to apologise after he swore several times down the microphone at 3,000 people who had gathered to see him switch on the Christmas lights in Preston city centre. The Leader of Preston Council, Ken Hudson said his outburst was "a disgrace". He was also hit with an £80 on the spot fine by police at the event. The offensive term he uttered was "make some motherfucking noise Preston!".