Cut Price Christmas

Driftwood: It's all right. That's in every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause.
Fiorello: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You can't fool me. There ain't no Sanity Clause!

(Groucho and Chico Marx in the film 'A Night at the Opera' (1935)

 

Santa's got no call to laugh much.

He gets charged by the ho ho hos.

Rudolph's got rhinitis from all the coke

That he shoves up his nose.

 

So it's Plan B this Christmas.

Santa's your Dad in a padded red suit.

See how he crushes a fag

'Neath the heel of his jackboot

 

Before filling the Mondeo

With the crap we got from Poundland.

They say that "It's the thought that counts."

I hope the kids will understand.

 

"Driving home for Fistmas

Oh, I can't wait to see those faces..."

 

Outside, the Carol Vorderman singers

Sing of a 'Noiseless Night' -

It's not traditional but it can't

Infringe Christmas copyright.

 

I been dreaming melon balls and sprouts
But these noodles taste just fine.
Look - the Ghost of Christmas Past is
Jerking off. I think I need more wine...

B.R. 13/12/2012

 

A homicidal Santa played by Oliver MacGreevy in the '...And All Through the House' segment of the film 'Tales from the Crypt' (1972). Remember kids, if Santa comes in by the French windows instead of down the chimney, IT AIN'T THE REAL SANTA...