More Adverts
(the sequel to Adverts)
(i)
Picture the scene...
It's the Duchess of Glenluce's annual picnic, the highlight of the summer, long-awaited by ace face aristos the length and breadth of the country. You've just taken your place at the top bench when your faithful retainer Meacham approaches, his left eyebrow twitching nervously, and whispers a few words into the royal earlobe. Oh, Calamity! He's gorn and forgotten the bruschetta! Such an unforgivable lapse should not go unpunished but you're unable to give the foul creature the thrashing he so richly deserves as your trusty whip is too heavy and cumbersome to bring along on social engagements. In the past you had to wait until you'd returned to ye olde stately home before you could give the pleb what for, but no longer...
Lambastermaster proudly present Travelwhip (TM) for all your portable whipping needs. It's light and fits handily into your valise. Never again will you sit there, a picture of abject despair, unable to appreciate your Lafite for the anger burning in your bosom. Just take your servant behind a bush, pull out your Travelwhip (TM) and away you go...
(ii)
Tonight on More4skin, in 'Heston's Two Backed Beasts', a handpicked group of guests (containing such Hogarthian grotesques as Dean Gaffney, Paul Danan and Brian Sewell) don't know whether to be wowed or appalled by Heston's edible house and his piece de resistance, a comestible living room complete with three piece sweetbreads and a ginormous set of beef curtains...
(iii)
Have you been involved in an accident that wasn't your fault? Have you been the victim of medical, nursing or lollipop man negligence? Have you had a slip, trip or fall or fallen foul of a mincing machine?
What?
You HAVE had an accident with a mincing machine? Well, toast my teacakes, I wasn't expecting you to answer in the affirmative.
How unfortunate... a sad, sad accident... or was it?
Let's review the evidence... looks a bit, how shall I say, contrived doesn't it?
And the word is that you've got a bit of a track record for chicanery... there was that business in Scunthorpe in '02. Oh yes, I know about that...
Are you still working at the head office of Madam La Maungy lingerie, up on the 7th floor? Lovely view from up there isn't it?
Why don't you go and open the window? A little air will do you good...
Yes, that's better...
Look down there. It's easy, isn't it? Why don't you? Why don't you? Go on. Go on. Don't be afraid...
B.R. 29/11/2012
(ii)
Tonight on More4skin, in 'Heston's Two Backed Beasts', a handpicked group of guests (containing such Hogarthian grotesques as Dean Gaffney, Paul Danan and Brian Sewell) don't know whether to be wowed or appalled by Heston's edible house and his piece de resistance, a comestible living room complete with three piece sweetbreads and a ginormous set of beef curtains...
(iii)
Have you been involved in an accident that wasn't your fault? Have you been the victim of medical, nursing or lollipop man negligence? Have you had a slip, trip or fall or fallen foul of a mincing machine?
What?
You HAVE had an accident with a mincing machine? Well, toast my teacakes, I wasn't expecting you to answer in the affirmative.
How unfortunate... a sad, sad accident... or was it?
Let's review the evidence... looks a bit, how shall I say, contrived doesn't it?
And the word is that you've got a bit of a track record for chicanery... there was that business in Scunthorpe in '02. Oh yes, I know about that...
Are you still working at the head office of Madam La Maungy lingerie, up on the 7th floor? Lovely view from up there isn't it?
Why don't you go and open the window? A little air will do you good...
Yes, that's better...
Look down there. It's easy, isn't it? Why don't you? Why don't you? Go on. Go on. Don't be afraid...
B.R. 29/11/2012
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