The Ballad of Spanakopita

Kick off your boots, light up your fags,
Roast your nuts by the fire.
I have to tale to tell that will
Inflame you with desire.

August in the year Twenty Twelve
Is when my tale began.
By poolside in a Greek resort,
A chap topped up his tan:

Name of Edward Turboshandy,
Though his friends called him Ted;
'The Amazing Mysterio'
Was his stage name, so they said.

In stovepipe hat and thigh-high socks,
He looked a trifle odd.
But he was no harmless weirdo.
He was an evil sod.

He had the world's longest moustaches
Though you may think that I'm jesting.
When he unleashed those hairy mothers,
They were longer than a large intestine.

By day, two nets held them at bay.
Of soup, he could partake.
But when night fell on the hotel
They turned into two snakes.

As midnight chimed and the tourists slept,
Ted put on 'Copacabana',
Then his de-netted taches grew
In a most impressive manner.

You see, ancient magic had been unleashed
By Barry Manilow.
Mos made complete by the disco beat -
They knew which way to go.

While Ted sat cross-legged on his floor,
The taches danced a conga.
They went through every hotel room;
"They would merengue and do the cha-cha"

Until they found the object of their quest -
Delicious female prey -
And like two moustaches possessed,
They tickled them where they lay.

Each night one of these furry fiends
Grabbed a girl by her leg
Then dragged her off for beastliness
That's better left unsaid...

B.R. 01/09/2012