Opening Ceremony of the 2012 Nuneaton Olympics

"Good evening and a very warm, almost hot welcome to the NBC's wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling coverage of the opening ceremony of the 2012 Nuneaton Olympics. May I extend an especially steamy welcome to those of you who have joined us via the red button? This august televisual portal allows you to access exclusive backstage interviews by Fred Dinenage.

The massed kazoos and nose flutes of the Leicestershire Love Orchestra have been keeping the crowd entertained with a medley of theme tunes from 1980s Australian soap operas: The Sullivans, Sons & Daughters and, of course, The Young Doctors (originally played, you'll remember, with erotic bravado by The Executives). And now the 4,500 occupants of the Triton Showers Community Arena rise as one for the singing of the Nuneaton national anthem:

Long live Nuneaton
Bloodied but unbeaten
For whatever you're needin'
Don't be going to Sweden
The Bronzed Adonis
Steve Beaton
Lives nearby
In Earl Shilton actually

Arousing stuff...eh? What's that? Oh, right...apparently that should have been "rousing stuff". Same difference. The organisers of the XXX Olympiad and the ceremony's artistic director Larry Grayson, Jr. thought long and hard about how best to showcase Nuneaton to the watching squillions. We don't think you'll be disappointed. Genties and ladlemen - The Seven Ages of Nuneaton, expressed through the medium of dance...

...Many of the finest dance troupes from across the globe have combined to create this glorious spectacle, chief amongst them being the Brian Rogers Connection, fondly remembered (by old people with imperfect memories) from Ted Rogerer's 3-2-1. What stone-hearted brute could fail to be moved by this re-enactment of the miners' strike of 1984-5 as a beautiful pavane, choreographed by The Two Nigels: Lythgoe and the curly haired buffoon from Eastenders (local lad and "actor" Paul Bradley)?

...Now we move on to a taster for the many athletic feats that await us during this great orgasmic...erm, orgiastic feast of sport; an Olympic amuse-bouche, if you will. Firstly, we have a treat for football fans. That sound of ecstatic and possibly bewildered applause can be for none other than Julian 'The Terminator' Dicks. His task, one which the great Hercules himself may have blanched at, is to try and get three penalties past his great adversary (for the purposes of this ceremony) David 'Lurch' Beasant. But Julian is not using any old football - oh no - he will use three different kinds of melon...

...'The Terminator', with purposeful tread, places a Galia melon on the penalty spot, goes back to take a run-up and...Gadzooks! He's launched it six feet over the crossbar! Beasant didn't even have to move! What a shame...Can he do any better with the Cantaloupe I wonder? The audience's breath has been bated by a team of highly-trained masterbaters...A casual approach this time...And, Ods Bodkins, as he's kicked it, the Cantaloupe has exploded in his own face! He's not having much luck is he? The last of Dickses kickses will be with a Watermel...

*There is a power cut for 8 minutes 37 seconds*

...Welcome back to our viewers on the red button. Profuse apologies for the disruption to our broadcast. To recap on events in the stadium whilst you were gone, Julian Dicks unfortunately sustained a fractured metatarsal kicking his final melon and had to be carried from the pitch. There then followed an exhibition of tag team wrestling in which the pairing of Space Ghost and Zorak the Mantis took on the dynamic duo of Dynomutt, Dog Wonder and Blue Falcon. The result is in some doubt - Dynomutt's use of a flick knife paw attachment in the final round has been called into question. A steward's enquiry is underway and we extend our condolences to the Mantis family...

...We are now reaching the climax of our ceremony and...oh, good lord, what's this? A man has burst into the arena on the back of an enormous bird...Somebody stop him! Ho ho! I'm sure I don't need to tell you who it is...It's Bernie Clifton of course, riding Oswald the Ostrich hard and fast around this theatre of dreams...but one of Oswald's legs has given way! CALL THE VET!...Bernie nonchalantly rummages in a saddle-bag and produces a can of 'Nectarineboom' (the official lager of the 2012 Olympics) which he cracks open and sups from. To go with this, he lights a 'Consultant' (the official menthol cigarette of the 2012 Olympics). A tear rolls down Oswald's beak. Head of Security Metal Mickey and a gang of guys in fluorescent jerkins are gliding towards them, swinging clubs...

...Not a dry thigh in the house after that lusty rendition of the official song of the 2012 Olympics: "Starting Together" by the divine Su Pollard. Su seems quite overcome by the response. What a woman!

...We now catch our first glimpse of Sir David Become. He's travelled to the stadium in a most unusual fashion. Can you guess what it was? No, it wasn't that. He came by a special express bus from Hinckley. Sir David is now making his way up the Olympic (TM) spiral staircase of Olympic (TM) corrugated cardboard and triumphantly holding aloft the flaming torch. He is followed by Neil 'Razor' Ruddock who is rather less triumphantly carrying the spare bloody battery..."

B.R. 01/08/2012