The Only Way Is Galloway (A Road Trip)

 

I'm telling this tale

from the tartan-festooned saloon bar

of the King's Arms Hotel, Glenluce.

Thanks for the ashtray...

 

(i)

We went salmon fishing in the River Cree.
The icy water came up past our knees.
I used the Curtis Mayfield "Super" fly
but we couldn't catch a thing,
no matter what we tried.
When we got back in the car to go,
someone/something had ejected
the Neil Diamond cassette
from the car stereo...

Motoring Tip: It is very difficult to drive whilst wearing waders that come up to your neck.


(ii)

We went to Burrow Head
to see the wicker man's legs*
but could not find them, only goats.
We stood around, scratching at our kilts.
I suspect that the very tall man
who pushed past us in his long coat
may have been using them as stilts.
Putting the picnic hamper back in the boot
(red kola ~ macaroni pies ~ tablet),
I found a dead hare looking back at me.
I turned around. We were surrounded
by lovely, white-robed, pagan beauties.
They closed in and wrestled us to the ground.
Like Celtic v Stranraer, they gave us a good thrashing.
My poor soor plooms, they got a good bashing.
We escaped from their clutches
and got back in the motor.
Gordon wound down his window,
gave the ginger lassie his number.
Sergeant Howie's voice rang in my ears:
In the name of God, think what you're doing!
Oh, God! Oh, Jesus Christ!
I made the sign of the cross;
put the car into gear.

(iii)

Night driving along the Kinmount straight,†
the Irn Bru kicked in.
We grew troubled by visions beyond the windscreen:
Gary Numan's face in a tambourine,
great cats, wild dogs, screaming men,
a feverish phantasmagoria.
The leatherette was wet with sweat.
A van came towards us,
headlights stuck on full beam.
I climbed into the glove compartment
and pulled the door shut behind me.

B.R. 16/11/2014


Feetnotes

* Burrow Head is located two miles south-west of Isle of Whithorn in Wigtownshire. It became famous as the location used for the final dramatic shots of the 1973 British mystery horror classic The Wicker Man. See here for further info.

† The Kinmount straight is the most paranormally remarkable section of the A75, reputedly the most haunted road in Scotland.