I Don't Wanna Be An '80s Pop Star

(for Julian, Caroline & Louise)

I don't wanna be an '80s pop star.
I can't afford the hairspray.
I don't want to be Pål Waaktaar of A-ha.
Someone take these synths away!

I went to Lourdes and I took The Cure.
I fought a duel at dawn with that wee shite (Midge Ure),
but I'd rather lie about with terminal gout
than play the north of England with Prefab Sprout.

I don't want to be a member of Five Star
so leave me alone to do my shopping!
I don't want to be one third of Shalamar
with their ungodly body-popping.

I'd rather cut off my nick-nacks
than blow sax on another Shakin' Stevens song.
I'd rather gouge out my mince pies
than witness Le Bon feasting his thighs on the throng.

I'm not the new Nick Heyward ~
I'm less handsome and more wayward.
I'm not the new Howard Jones.
Please, after you with the cheese scones...

I'm just me,
with no musical ability.
Not even a minor celebrity.
Give me anonymity.

B.R. 02/06/2014