If I Had A Toffee Hammer

JEREMY PAXWOMAN: Do you like Kipling?
MAUNGY BADGER: I don't know, I've never kippled!
JEREMY PAXWOMAN: No, you pulchritudinous jackanapes, KIPLING, Rudyard Kipling.
MAUNGY BADGER: Oh... well, I hardly like to say, but I fear that lately his French Fancies have gorn orf the boil terribly...



I picked up a toffee hammer
in my sponge fingers
and ran screaming into the night,
scented with Turkish delight.
Past a wrinkled prune mopping
up a lagoon of Dream Topping.
Past meringues, out late night shopping.
Past a gentleman marching
with a very determined stride:
"He looks a little cautious. He's hopping."
Past lemon curd tarts touting for business
on Müller street Corners.

I hurled a Boost at a crowd of fat rascals.
An enraged gingerbread man gave chase.
When he caught up with me,
I was a trifle fatigued.
I tried to act nonchalantly,
chain-smoking chocolate cigarettes
but he bound my hands
with strawberry laces
and held a biscuit cutter to my throat
and a melon baller to my balls.

He said "You don't bake me cakes like you used to."
I said "How can I? You don't bring me flours anymore..."

B.R. 10/03/2014

 

The Kandy Man, as featured in the Doctor Who story "The Happiness Patrol"