Scary Rachel

I've known that she-wolf since we were weans
At the primary school in Canonbie.
She took great pleasure in causing me pain.
She said "Just what kind of boy can one be?"

She once sent a note by carrier owl;
It read "Meet me at The Devil's Beef Tub.
Bring your maw's Moffat toffees, your fluffiest towel,
A Rubik's Cube and a tube of Deep Heat rub."

And I sang to a small kilted haggis:
"What evil plans are in your mind, Scary Rachel?
What evil plans are in your mind?"

I suppose you could say I was 'moulded',
Although there was no rhyme nor reasoning
To each new encounter that unfolded
(Like with the spicy sausage seasoning).

That minx knew how to dampen my ardour
That night 'neath a waxing moon in Beattock.
We rendezvoused in her father's game larder
And she left me dangling from a meat hook.

I sang and whistled to Tam (half man, half thistle):
"You're drinking too much tonic wine, Scary Rachel.
You're drinking too much tonic wine."

She's just called me up on the telephone
And informed me she'll meet me in Sanquhar.
She said "You'd better come on your own,
If you know what's good for you, you wanker."

So I bray to a Belted Galloway:
"That's it - You've gone too far this time, Scary Rachel.
You've really gone too far this time."

You've hurt me baby, my heart bears the scar
But I'll forget how I've been marmalized.
Maybe I'll go west, follow the Dalbeattie Star
And I'll farm me some hamsters, llama-sized.

B.R. 28/06/2013