Beyond the Valley of the Nekked Parsnips

Preening my tail feathers
(figuratively speaking)
I auditioned for
Dallas/Dynasty spin-off
Falcons Landing
(or was it Knots Crest?),
to the play the part of
a beautiful bitch.
Truth be toad,
there was very little
acting involved.
The director had misgivings
about my moustache
but we soon overcame his doubts.
Vive le Casting Couch!
The rest is TV history...

Twenty years later
my star had fallen,
while some talentless scum
had risen to the top.
With the bills busily mounting
and the bailiff at the door,
I appeared as a body double
for Nicholas 'Naked Parsnips' Parsons
in Just a Minute - The Movie.
(Nick is an Adonis
but he felt self-conscious
doing the shower and bedroom scenes.)
When the spondulix finally ran out
I found myself on a forecourt,
reduced to giving massages
at the Car Hand Wash;
stroking the unvarnished maulers
of sundry truck drivers.
Ooh, the chapping and chafing...

Now I'm in venerable old age,
like that odd fellow Bede
crossed with Oliver Reed.
People refer to me as 'a cult'.
(I hear them as they pass below
my bedroom window,
don't you know?)
Now I hold the power.
Now I hold the auditions
for various positions
on my staff:

• pool boy
• handyman
• chauffeur
• head gardener
• punkah-wallah
• tin and jar opener

They strive for their dramatic best
as they read Macbeth in pants and vest...

B.R. 06/04/2017

"In addition to Olympic fitness, supreme courage, phenomenal powers of concentration, the acceleration of a puma and an insatiable appetite for sheer bloody sweat and grind and plain old-fashioned sheer bloody hard work, the actor also needs a supernatural ability to transform himself into another person; to 'other be'. Not simply to 'pretend' to be someone else but actually to 'enter' that person."
(From 'I, An Actor'. Photo by B.R.)