Airedale Heifer Blues

Oh Mitten!
I've bitten off more than I can chew.
Now I'm one fat daddy
And it's making me blue.

From breakfast time to supper,
My jaws, they never stop.
Elevenses, afternoon tea, high tea too,
I scoff the blinking lot.

Maybe I had too much Dairylea last night
But I had the loveliest dream ~
I was stranded on a dessert island
With a dozen puddings and a vat of cream.

Time was, when walking from the pub to get sweets
Was enough exercise for me.
But I've given myself the run of my teeth.
I've been my own worst enemy.

I've just seen a vision in a shop window.
It made me feel dejection.
I thought "Demis Roussos has let himself go."
I was looking at my own reflection.

Too many cakes give me the look of Hattie Jacques.
Rice and pea → Stephen Lee.
Bakewell flapjacks → Giant Haystacks.
Fry's Turkish Delight → Hi Barry White!
Caramel Wafers give me the Airedale Heifer blues...

But this gluttony will never do.
I'm going to slim right down for you,
Then, when side-on, I'll disappear
And you'll brush away a salty tear.

Listen up, you Jabbas, to my rallying cry:
"Put down that pie before you die!
Cherubic plumpnesses across this land,
Come and join my gastric band!"

B.R. 17/09/2013

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

J. Bradley "The Airedale Heifer" (1820)