Avocado Bathroom Suite

1) The Arrival of Ann Maurice, House Doctor

 

The first thing you notice

when you walk in

is the iron maiden

Not very welcoming

 

Tired colours

dated furnishings

and I'm aghast at this carpet

It should be cast into the fiery pit

 

Your fireplace

is more of a direplace

What have you been burning in there?

Some scented candles should suffice

to cover up ritual sacrifice

 

Put your house in my hands

I'll sell it in a trice

 

You ask me when I'm goin'

to slay Llewelyn-Bowen

Soon baby soon

 

 

2) Touching the Viennetta

 

 



Needing new climbing challenges

you miniaturise yourself

and scale the face of a Wall's Viennetta

 

Dodging falling shards of chocolate

and overcoming a really nasty ice cream headache

you make it to the summit

where you take a minute

to survey the panoramic spectacle

of the kitchen table

before sliding back down

on a Findus Crispy Pancake

 

WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

 

 

3) Lizard Man

 

 

Madam I may be drunk

but in the morning I will

most probably stillbe drunk

and you will stillbe

whatever the hell you are

A bearded lady or summink?

Nobody comes out of this well

when all is said and ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum

 

Lizard-Man

he speak with forkèd tongue

 

Snake-Man

slithering from boardroom to bedroom

sheds his skin

in under a minute and a huff

Heady stuff

 

Newt-Man

as smooth as Bublé blended

then passed through a sieve

Hand in hand with

Salamander-Man

Burning and gurning

around town

Two boulevardiers

 

B.R. 12/10/2015