The K Factor

Making love to you

was like an assault course

of Krypton Factor-type proportions

 

 

 

Round 1) Physical Ability

 

I first saw you

with your hand outstretched

at one of these new-fangled right angles

hailing a bus to Bingham, Notts

or possibly Bottesford

Looking at your angel face

I believed you to be chaste

(How wrong can a man get?)

so I gave good Lorraine Chase

but as I drew level

with the back of the bus

a drill sergeant appeared

from out of darkest Argos

and ushered me under his cargo net

That bastard tore me off a strip

to the crack of Gordon Burns's whip

 

By the time I came down the zip wire

you had disappeared into the ether

my pure yet obscure object of desire

 

 

 

Round 2) Observation/Mental Agility

 

From that time

I was on my mettle

I was in fine

and fruity fettle

Gordon Burns and I

we went downtown

and found wholesome thrills

at the travelling fairground

 

Dizzy from the Tea Cups

Gordon prostrated himself

 on the steaming grass

then - Hook-a-duck - there you were

my misty moisty mystery lass

shying away from me

What a lovely bunch of coconuts

 

My darling damsel

you took two turns on the carousel

your second spin being

subtly different from the first

I mounted a Dijon mustard-coloured mustang

two horses behind your filly

but I never quite caught you up

I felt cursed

and ever so slightly silly

especially when G. Burns tested me

on my observation and mental agility

 

 

 

Round 3) Intelligence

 

Last up was the intelligence test

Needless to say that I failed it

Unhooking your bra

was a bridge too far

but the other contestants all nailed it...

 

B.R. 25/06/2015
 

  

 

The main man, Gordon "The Guvnor" Burns