The Black Museum

 

The Black Museum is a collection of criminal memorabilia kept at New Scotland Yard, headquarters of the Metropolitan Police in London.

 

(Enter the curator Inspector Tarquin De'ath, a snappy, dapper dresser with a voice like smooth, golden caramel.)

 

"The peelers have their feelers.

They have their pinkies in lots of pies.

Keep their sarnies under their helmets.

Nary a sausage escapes their eyes.

 

Well, actually, that's not completely true.

Just occasionally, some dastardly devils,

curs you might call them,

cads you might say,

all bad lads and lasses certainly,

some walking containers of undiluted evil,

frenzied fiends with beetle brows

and lips like centipedes,

the kind of grotesque ghouls

you might find under a rock

or at the bottom of a swamp ...

... well, sometimes they slip through the net.

But the Yard always gets 'em.

The Yard gets 'em in the end.

Unfortunately they tend to have committed

acts of an almost indescribable beastliness first,

using tools such as these ..."

 

(Tarquin lifts Exhibit A - a bastard garrotte - from a glass case and holds it up for inspection.)

 

"Think of it ... such exquisite Spanish iron,

tightened in a death grip.

One moment you're smooching with a beautiful dame,

next you're clutching your neck in agonising pain.

If your prospective girlfriend has one of these,

make your excuses and leave ..."

 

(Tarquin crosses to the case containing Exhibit B, a solitary glove which he picks up with an almost forensic level of care, using a pair of tongs.)

 

"This snow white glove.

What possible harm could it do?

Of the kind worn by snooker referees:

Jan Verhaas; John Williams; Len Ganley.

Its owner claimed that the glove 'had a mind of its own';

that while wearing it he had no choice but to roam

the playing fields of Todmorden,

looking for fellows in need of execution.

'A mind of its own' - I wonder.

How could such a mitten make a man kill?

These lifeless fingers, will they move still?

 

"Oh my God!

It's making me put my hand in it!

Aaarrrggghhh ... it's strangling me!

I am strangling myself!

I always knew that this job

would be bad for my health."

 

B.R. 17/05/2015