Two Bogus Santas

(i) … And All Through the House

Radio Announcer: We interrupt this programme for a special announcement. A man described as a homicidal maniac has escaped from the hospital for the criminally insane. He is 6 foot 3 inches tall, 210 pounds, dark eyes, bald, and may be wearing a Santa Claus costume taken from a shop in Burley. All residents of the county are warned to be on the lookout for this man and to phone the police if they see him...


Carol felt so silly
'cos everybody knows
that Santa Claus comes down the chimney,
not through the French windows.

B.R. 07/03/2013

(ii) Santa Rides a Goat

Come here, boy.
Don't be shy.
Now then, young fellow,
Where was I?
Ho ho ho!
Don't be scared.
Don't you know who I am?
Red face and beard?
Don't you yet see?
Santa? Close enough.
Come and sit on my knee.
Have you been well-behaved
and all that sort of guff?
What, all of the year?
Have a rummage in this bag.
There's nothing to fear.
Have you got a fag?
Please don't be unkind.
I'm out of Matchbox cars.
Oh dear me, never mind,
you're a good boy, I can tell.
Now, take these throwing stars
and learn to use them well.

B.R. 23/12/2014