'Romeo and Juliet II: The Bitch Is Back' by Wild Billy Shakespeare

(Scene: A balcony in Ye Olde Worlde Belper (Derbys), like REALLY long ago, so long ago that they didn't even have mobile phones or nuffink... Can you imagine?)

 

 

JULIET : O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

 

ROMEO : Cooee! I'm over here... in the bin!

 

JULIET : Whyfore art thou in there prithee?

 

ROMEO : Well, er... I don't know actually. It looked all nice and warm and inviting so I thought I'd hop in for a bit.

 

JULIET : But Romeo, my dearest, sweetest knobstrel, that bin doth contain fried chicken remnants and nub ends of Red Band my father hath discarded.

 

ROMEO : Thy father? That soiled pantaloon?

 

JULIET : Like the pants of the dragon, hell fire in every fibre.

 

ROMEO (imitating Juliet's dad) : "Cocoons and cuckolds! Fetch Master Claypole and Mistress Meaker!"

 

JULIET : A doughnut with all its sugar licked off i' faith!

 

(They dissolve into helpless laughter. I guess you had to be there. Enter Sir Richard Radford, walking stiffly in magenta coloured boots which squeak as he walks, like mice on mescaline.)

 

JULIET : Sir Richard!

 

SIR RICHARD : Good even to you rosy-cheeked wench. Are we alone? May I sing songs of love?

 

(Romeo sprouts suddenly from his bin with the lid on his head like Top Cat.)

 

ROMEO : Thy new boots give thee unwelcomed confidence Radford! Or is it the noxious scrumpy served at The Lusty Horn hostelry?

 

SIR RICHARD : Ha! A fine mauvish crimson are they not?

 

ROMEO : They are not! They reek of decadence! They are the boots that kick passing cats!

 

SIR RICHARD : Young hothead! Thou really art no more than a codling and I... I have bigger fish to fry.

 

ROMEO : Thy banter pollutes the countryside like a plague of Scampi 'n' Lemon Nik Naks. Cut to the chase. Or I'll cut thine boat race.

 

SIR RICHARD : Juliet... my sweet love... (clears throat) May I flick yer tits for a pound?

 

ROMEO : WHAAAAT?!

 

JULIET : Sir Richard! How dareth thou!

 

SIR RICHARD : Oh alright then... £1.50. But that's my final offer mind.

 

ROMEO : Come now Radford, have a word with thyself. Why not go the whole hog to roast in thy charcoaled loins?

 

SIR RICHARD : Still so cruel Romeo? Thou knowest very well that I lost my vital spinets in a tragic and strange steamed pudding accident, which hath rendered my taking part in the two-backed beast most improbable.

 

ROMEO : Begone from this place!

 

SIR RICHARD : Oh... bugger thee then!

 

(Exit Sir Richard, stage left.)

 

ROMEO : Juliet! Now that that pantomime horse skin hath been despatched, let us, as my friend William Broad wouldst sayeth, give flesh to the fantasies that we have nourished in our bosoms for the past fortnight!

 

JULIET : Thou art as bad as Sir Richard!

 

ROMEO : I wish to occupy that special place between thine sheets. Shouldst I shin up the drainpipe and give thee a taste?

 

JULIET : It'll cost thee.

 

ROMEO (rummaging in pockets): Ods lifelings! I am without cash. But I have my quill at the ready. Look - 'tis in my hand.

 

JULIET : Oh all right then, my young thruster. Come to me!

 

(Yes, I think we'll leave it/them there...)

 

 

 



 

B.R. sometime in 1998