Aire Valley Vignettes

I.

I once goosed a goose.
She wasn't impressed.
She stood there
Beaking me off
For five minutes or more
But I didn't hear
Cos I was listening
To 'The Swan' by Saint-Saëns
On my Walkmaëns.
I guess that showed her...

II.

I went on trial

At the food court.

Ronald McDonald prosecuting.

Jack "The Hat" McVitie defending.

I stood before Judge Finlay Fudge

And entered my plea.

It had to be "guilty".

Yes, I had eaten a whole packet of fig rolls.

Not just once but

On several occasions.

Thankfully, just before the jury

Returned their verdict,

A nuclear warhead

Was detonated

Over the courtroom,

Sparing me the

Potential embarrassment

Of a criminal record.

III.

I sat down accidentally

On a wasp's wing.

He didn't sting

Me or anything

As it was my first transgression

And his wife Tina worked

In Wasp Public Relations.

Later, I heard her by chance

On Radio 4,

Explaining how they were

"Harmless scamps,

The bee's cheeky cousins".

Silent disbelief hung heavy in the air

Like 1970s beaded curtains.

IV.

They drove The Queen around our town

So she could sneer at the peasants

That were lining the streets,

Waving their Union Keiths

(Union Jacks with extra beef).

She looked like a dissolute prune.

The Royal Window-Winder

Wound the Royal Window down

So Philip could flick his hypodermic

And The Queen could drag her corgi around.

B.R. 19/07/2012