Cheese Rollin' (Dairy Maid Vehicle)

 (For Fred Durst)

    Johannes got sacked from the Eldroth and Lawkland Cheese Rolling Committee. A promising young cheeseman, he had ascended rapidly through the ranks from junior Babybel level up to his current eminent position, one befitting a DJ at Lawkland's famous cheese disco "Club Manchego A-Go-Go". Someday soon, through a combination of hard-won respect and fear, he had hoped to scramble to the top of the local cheese mountain, culminating in his being crowned Le Grande Fromage but now all those dreams and ambitions lay in ruins - a pile of cheesy shreds, like poorly-grated Parmesan.

    It was the first year he had been charged with the responsibility of purchasing the cheese for the annual rolling contest - buying the roundel of fermented curd which the burgomaster of Eldroth would lob for the local youths of all ages (from one to ninety-two) to chase down the highest hillside in the district. But, alas, on the eve of the contest Johannes prepared a humongous fondue and, fuelled by shite white wine that was surely out of Satan's own wine box, he melted the precious cheese for the race (that shouldn't even have been in his kitchen, for GAWD'S SAKE!) into his Swiss dish.

    The runners assembled at the top of the hill. Years ago, the committee had decided that a starting pistol was liable to be misused in such a rural community so, as per the time-honoured ritual, Ermintrude the Friesian mooed into a megaphone to signal the start of the race. A confused looking Bernard the burgomaster of Eldroth stepped forward and attempted to roll the (rather smaller than usual) cheese that had been pressed into his hand, down the hill. 

    The runners looked at the cheese. Then the runners looked at each other. The pre-race favourite, Don Donaghadee, took a dozen mincy strides down the hill, knelt beside a thorny gorse bush and carefully picked out a Dairylea triangle.

    The crowd below were eerily silent as Don held aloft his trophy, its silver foil glinting in the sun.

B.R. 14.08.2021

"Kids will do anything for the taste of Dairylea..."