Tabard of Lard

Warm goose grease

and the juice

from a cooled

boiled onion.

Perhaps porridge,

eggs & bacon

and a drop of whiskey

in your tea.

Or, alternatively,

rinse your insides out

(with scalding hot water)

almost continually.

Elderflower water.

Elderberry wine.

Hot lemon and rum.

A handful of aspirin.

Saddlebags filled

with fine methamphetamine.

Get into bed.

Sweat out the germs

then, when you're drenched,

get up and change your jim-jams 

then jump back into bed

so you can sweat out

anything that's left.

Get a sheet of brown paper.

Spread it with mustard and lard.

Stick your head through the middle

and wear it like a tabard.

Tie a dirty sock around your neck.

In three days, you could be cured.

In three days, you could be dead.

Put yourself in my hands!

Apply my healing mustard...

But you've got a thick skin.

YOU UNFEELING CUSTARD!

B.R. 20.02.2021

Peter Glazebrook posing proudly with his 17lb 15oz onion (the heaviest in the world at that time) back in 2011. Alas, Tony Glover grew an even more mahoosive specimen three years later, weighing in at nearly 18lb 12oz.