Stairlift to Hell

I'm going to Hell in a handbag:
a most capacious handbag
filled with Smints and fluff
and a 50cl bottle
of Eau de Antiques Roadshow.

I'm going to the inferno down below
on a co-morbidly obese mobility scooter,
shrieking like a banshee
and cracking skulls with my stick
as I pass.

But before I get to the nether world,
I'm spending the last of my pension
on Horlicks and Halls Eucalyptus,
haemorrhoid cream and heroin.

I'm going to the bottomless pit
on a specially adapted stairlift.
I'm heading for the eternal fire
at 0.34 miles per hour.

B.R. 15/06/2018

Still from The Spiral Staircase (1946), directed by Robert Siodmak.