Nutmeg

(for Dr J. E. C. Houlding)

Just another stupid Tuesday in Derbyshire
I'd just got back from nets
Some guys were sitting round smoking reefer
The unwashed and idle gets

Some of them I knew from wanted posters
Some of them were my friends
One of them thought he was a genius
All of them were bellends

So I took me a toke, fragrant and sweet
Thought I'd join them as they couldnae be beat

The clock tick tocked, Terry Tic Tacked
Mainlining lime and mandarin
Neal knocked up a Nik Nak sandwich
Scampi 'n' Lemon was his ting

Outside you could not see your hands
The fog had been upgraded to 'pea souper'
I fancied I was Basildon Bond
Russ Abbot as Tommy Cooper

I waited for the knock, the window smash
I got scared I'd been followed home again
By a wronged milkman, murdered maths teacher
Or a Jagaroth off his tits on cocaine

So much confusion that a man could drown
"For God's sake, please don't let the darkness in!"
This strange magic, not black or white but brown
Chewy and thick like a rice pudding skin

So I had another drag, smoked that meat
It sure knocked the moccasins off of my feet

A bearded lady of lascivious bent
Beckoned me inside her tent
The air was filled with sweet perfumes
She blew me cool like cream of 'shrooms

Peanut Butter Cups, daisied and confused
With Dick Emery boards filing us down
I'd have been happy to have stayed put
But the rest wanted to go into town

We went
"Set the coordinates for Bookham"
"Won't they think that's a cheap rhyme?"
"Well, fook 'em!"

On tour - a nest of ne'er-do-well vipers
Waiting to be picked off by snipers
That year Christmas came early to Belper
And cwtched Satan's little helpers

B.R. 22/10/2012

 

Scaroth, the last of the Jagaroth race (as fans of the Tom Baker era of Dr Who will know), after a snootful